soundecho

that I don’t need to repeat. ever. again.

it all started because i noticed some of my endcap shelves were dusty and since I was switching out the endcap I figured i’d be a good girl and clean them…

so I go and get the blue glass cleaner, because its the only cleaner I know where is, and it works pretty well. I grab some paper towels and a trash bag and clean the shelves.

I realize i’m feeling slow and sluggish. I chalk it off to the fact that I had stayed up til 3am the night before cause I went and had a couple drinks with Lucidity (another entry) and then had to wind down after the drinks…

I realize i’m my breathing is slow. okay. I blame that on the cleaner cause i remember reading it had amonia in it. still… don’t make the connection.

go on my break and drink a soda (caffeine is good for breathing issues) and go back to work feeling okay ish.

i’m back in receiving helping shoe girl get a hutch for a customer over in babydepot when the receiving manager yells out to me across the room to come closer to her. she asks if i’m feeling okay and that i’m moving really slow. I tell her i’m really tired all of a sudden (still not making any connections) and that my breathing is weird, but i’m fine. shes asks if I have asthma. I tell her yes. she tells me to go use my inhalor because she can hear my wheezing.

this is when I realize two things: 1) I don’t have my inhalor on me and 2) I don’t even know where the hell it is.

see, when I lived in Florida I was always told I had bad lungs, and I always had an inhalor on me. ALWAYS. but after moving to washington state and living in the middle of a desert my breathing issues seem to have dissapeared. until yesterday.

I call the keyholder on duty and go meet her in the office. explain that i’m having breathing issues and that I don’t have my inhalor.

then i start seeing spots.

and shaking.

she calls an urgent care clinic to see if they can see me about getting a new inhalor

then my hands go numb.

she tells the nurse on the line my symptoms and she says i’m hyperventalating and to call 911.

yeah…

the receiving manager comes into the managers office and helps me breath into a paperbag.

yeah… (actually first it was a manilla envelope because they couldnt find a paper bag…)

paramedics come and say my lungs are clear but it was definatly triggered by SOMETHING. one of the girls from receiving runs and grabs the cleaner that i had been using too show them.

I don’t want to be carted out of the store on a stretcher. I don’t want to ride in an abulance. I’m FINE!

but my hands and leg are numb. obviously…

so the paramedics ‘highly advise’ that I go visit the ER…

so after they leave the receiving manager and I go and visit Kadlec hospital in Richland.

my handwriting was so shakey when i was signing the consent form you couldnt read my name.

we wait about 40 minutes before called. then i stand up and the room starts floating…

so I got to ride in a wheelchair.

got hooked up to some machines. my breathing was fine, though in the car and the waiting room I had been wheezing again…

I was given an RX for a new inhalor and a 5day rx for prednisone. I was told that it was all allergy based and the cleaner (which we brought with us) was more than likely to blame. I also have some zyrtec.

I was out of the hospital by about 3:30 and had a doctors note that said “do not work today”

the receiving manager dropped that off at the store for me and took me home.

I then bummed a ride to wal-hell for the pharmacy from shoe girl who lives near me.

an hour later i left with my baggie of drugs and some closet organizing stuff that I found on clearance.

next time a manager tells me to clean my dusty shelves…

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so lets go ahead and just get started!

on saturday had a conversation with two members of management. a conversation that I was dreading but am relived now that it has happened.

I have been placed on a ‘30 day plan for improvement’ . I am looking at this as a good thing. They want to keep me, and I want to stay, so during this 30day period we will be working together to make sure this happens.

we had inventory monday and tuesday. so the weekend was filled with inventory prep along with busy weekend shoppers. monday and tuesday were busy and stressful, but fairly painless days.

I was part of the first shift of workers on tuesday. I had to BE at work at 5:30am. It was a long day. The first half was busy busy busy and slightly stressful and the second part was sloooooow. I preferred the busy. Oh well.

every aspect of inventory was done TEN MINUTES before planned. Usually inventory runs long… no matter how its planned it runs long. this year, they had it managed and planned in such a way that it went painlessly and fairly smoothly. so that was nice.

I went home, changed clothes, grabbed a overnight bag, went to the liquor store for mead, and went to hashguy’s house. I got there just after 3pm.

I got home less than half an hour ago. it’s currently 10:40am.

a couple coworkers came over and joined us for wine and smoke and pizza and music listening and chip eating and cat playing.

one of the coworkers who was there lives two apartments over from hashguy, and he had some friends coming over to hang out, so they stopped by.

once they saw what hashguys apartment was like, and that we were drinking wine out of tumblers and hiding the pipe, they relaxed and brought out their pipe.

this is around the time I was cut off. it was barely 5pm, but I was going on a combined 2 day total of less than 9 hours sleep. a poor diet of caffiene and sugar. smoke. mead.

yeah, I believed them when they said I was slurring my words.

by 7pm, it was just hash guy and I. and Teddy, his cat.

we ate some chicken stuffed with cheddar and asparagus.

we watched imax documentries on his computer. moving the moniter down to floor level so we could lay on the floor and watch it.

we watched like 3 episodes of fraggle rock.

we drank more wine. we smoked more.

we took showers and put on our pj’s.

drank more. smoked more.

then the neighboring coworker stopped by after his tai chi class to see if his friends were still over.

we’ll let him form his own oppinions about seeing us with wet hair and in our pj’s.

it wasn’t even 9pm.

neighboring coworker mentioned his surprise at seeing that I was still awake.

we went to bed around 10:30 or… I don’t know what time because I think I just fell asleep.

woke up just after midnight with a bad headache and intense need to drink water.

four glasses of water and two chapters of my Agatha Christy novel, later, I went back to sleep.

woke up around 8:30 when Hashguy came out of his room. His alarm wasn’t set to go off until 9, but we’d gone to bed early.

we lazed around. taking turns laying on the couch. laying on the floor bed. (comprised of a feathered mattress topper, a comforter and three sleeping bags).

I have uploaded the pictures from last night. there’s only about six or seven. and the cat’s in like 4 of them.

I got home just after 10:20 this morning.

I think i’m still feeling it. that could have been the morning bowl we shared though.

I drank more water.

I need food again. not because I feel hungry, I don’t, but because I know my body needs the fuel.

i’m gonna just chill out for a bit in the quiet of my room and then grab some fast food on my way to work.

today is my friday.

reading a book. sitting on the floor bed. long hair, painted tapestries… yep.

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Sometimes I feel like a grown up.

Sometimes I feel like a *child.

Sometimes I feel like a child pretending to be a grown up.

But I NEVER EVER feel like a grown up pretending to be a child.

* the original of this used the wording ‘kid’ instead of ‘child’ but I didn’t want anyone to think I meant a baby goat.

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the one who I gave the glow in the dark alien to.

aparentally, he’s sick.

and he won’t be getting better.

I can’t tell you how many pieces just fell into place about his character once I learned this.

and that it makes me want to get to know him that much more.

if he was trying to scare me off, I don’t work like that.

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as I was in the bathroom, debating on if I should pull my hair back into a half pony, and make an attempt at using some coverup, I realized that there were TWO MORE on the other side of my neck.

Was I just that tasty?

Are we like 16?

Sheesh.

Fuck. I’m wearing my hair down today.

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getting ready for work. I opted to take my time and catch the second bus of the morning instead of the first. A couple minutes ago, I was getting my purse together and found the tights/panty hose/stockings/whatever still in there from last night.

Its bad enough that I have two hickeys that I have to try to go cover up as soon as i’m finished typing this entry, but then I leave evidence of last nights adventures in my purse? Fuck.

*giggles*

damn, today should be interesting. I feel oddly refreshed and energetic even though I only got about five hours of sleep.

Kind of like the old Claire is back. Hmm, forgot how much I missed her. She is better in moderation though, I can’t forget that.

Oh and as for the hickeys, I think i’ll just wear my hair down. covering them up always just makes them more obvious in my experience.

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I left the house at 6:30 for a date at a wine bar.

I left wearing black heels, black tights (panty hose, stockings, whatever), a green dress, a gray sweater, and my tan coat.

the date went well.

it lead to a walk in the nearby park where we got caught up in a after dark game of hide and seek. we weren’t playing, but all the participants thought we were. it was quite amusing.

we left the park for someplace more private.

his apartment was nearby.

bed.

chair.

couch.

oh my!

I came home with my tights in my purse. I don’t think the roommates noticed…

*EDIT*

was in the bathroom when I noticed two. TWO. TWO! hickeys on my neck… oops!

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i had pie tonight.

I have a new friend.

he lives on the same street as the other boy. imagine my heart attack as he pulled onto his street…

they don’t live in the same house, thank goodness… that would have been weird.

the pie was good, the company was 1009287243p9875097 times better.

he said next time we hang out we can build a fort in his room.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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i’m thinking aboout making the second pic my new avitar? what do you think? I look super tired in it, that could be because 1) I am, or the lighting… the shadows from the light were weird, man. WEIRD.

either way, I like.

I have decided to keep the coat. not because the boy liked it (well… partly) but because I do in fact like it.

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I had a math professor back in college, back when I went to college, who liked that phrase; “data dump”. Whenever we had a test, that was not open notes, we were allowed a piece of blank paper to work out problems on. As soon as time started on the test, she would reccomend that we dump out all data in our heads, that my be clogging our brains, so we could better focus on the test. Any formulas, anything that we were struggling to remember, just get it out, get it on the paper, so it was there for us to see in case we needed to use it.

I also like that phrase. It doesn’t have much of anything to do with this entry other than to explain, that in a way, thats what I’m doing right now. I said a few weeks ago that I had a lot to say, but I didn’t know how to say it. It’s just been building up. Getting pushed farther and farther back into my skull by other things that keep entering it.

So, i’m going to try to get it out now, except with writing, not with math. I’ve never been good with numbers.

I hate money. Seriously. Every time I start thinking i’m going to get ahead, have a few bucks to save up, something comes up and bites me in the ass and sets me further behind. Now, its not as bad as my birthday, when I was so broke I was shortchanging my bus fair (i paid all in nickels and dimes, they didn’t notice) just so I could get to a job interview. but, it’s bad enough that I won’t be able to go back home for christmas this year.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t actually want to go home for christmas. It would just be nice to be able to afford to. Or to be able to afford to do anything.

I have developed a love for thrift shopping. Thats a pretty handy thing, considering its the only shopping I can afford right now. Being unemployed really bit me in the ass.

Don’t fucking say I chose to do what I did. I am full well aware of my choices. I know exactly what I chose to do: I chose to get the fuck out of a place that was eating my soul more and more every day. I will NEVER regret that choice.

My brother will be jumping ship shortly, but it might not be soon enough. He’s already in pretty deep, and he might not realize how hard it will be to keep his head above water.

My parents are sinking. They may have already sunk. I really don’t know. I talk to them every day, but we won’t really talk about that. It depresses me to hear it, and it depresses them to say it. According to my brother, they’ve given up and are waiting to be evicted. He’s realized that he can’t help them anymore. I realized that awhile ago. it’s partly why I left.

He doesn’t understand why I went so far away. He understands why I left, he just doesn’t understand the distance. I wish I could explain it better to people. I find myself having to explain it on an almost daily basis, and no one comprehends. Whatever. it’s not their concern.

Reasons I won’t be going home for christmas this year:

1) I simply can’t afford it.

2) even if I could afford it, I could probably only get a long weekend’s worth of days off from work, and I simply can’t justify spending THAT MUCH money on plane tickets for a trip that short.

3) I DON’T WANT TO.

number three is a secret though. don’t tell my family that.

I’ll go back for a visit, after the new year, after I get taxes back. When tickets are cheaper. when it’ll be closer (or past) a year since coming out here. so that when I run into people that I used to know, they won’t think I failed in my mission and that I came back for good.

I will NEVER go back there for good.

I watched ’super high me’ a few weeks ago. When I go back to the sunshine state, even if its only for a few days, you better fucking believe that I will have my own mini version of that. I will wake and bake every second of that visit. the only way I will be able to tolerate that place.

funny, smoking too much is one of the reasons why I left, but really, its the only way I could keep my head above the waves.

We were on the gulf coast, so the waves really weren’t that bad. If we’d still been in jax, fuck man, we’d have sunk years ago. the waves on the east coast are far worse than the gulf. you never get surfers on the gulf coast. at least not serious ones.

lets see if you can sift through the metaphores on that. good luck.

so, I have come to the conclusion, that if I ever have children (which is currently unlikely seeing as how I dont remember the last date I went on and the only sex I have includes killing kittens) they will never go to public school.

probably not private school either. unless its a montessori school. i like those. I’m really into the idea of unschooling. don’t tell me that it’s a stupid idea. fuck off. its my choice to make for my nonexistent children.

I blame all of educational issues on the florida public schools. hell, its someone to blame, right? I’m not saying its their fault, i’m just saying they suck.

I’m not blaming the teachers. the teachers are awesome. i’m blaming the system.

so, starting in november, I will have insurance. and dental. and vision. I haven’t had any kind of benefits since I got kicked off my parents insurance years ago. I’m stoked!

I’m not really a fan of doctors, I have my reasons.

i’m not covering half of what I had hoped to cover in this entry, and i’m already at over a thousand words. if you’re still reading, you might want to hold on tight. or leave. whatever.

fuck it, let’s leave. lets go and chase rainbows and unicorns. lets have an adventure. i’m out of the zone now, and no matter how badly I want to say whats still in my head it’s not coming out right now.

maybe soon.

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